Who would be an AD?

Imagine the scene.

It is the opening ceremony of our 2001 Games.

Our Chieftain is standing next to me with our Guest of Honour in front of our wee grandstand ready to march out on the saluting stand to take the salute from our Band and the Royal Air Force Parachute Display Team.

To my left, the Inverness British Legion Pipes and Drums Band are 50 years away at the top of running track ready to march in. The beer tent has been open 10 minutes and I can see they are getting twitchy!

12,000 feet above my head, a giant Hercules plane is circling our field with members of the Royal Air Force Parachute Display Team gathering around the open ramp at the back ready to leap from their plane to welcome our Chieftain.

I check that everyone is ready on the radio.

"RAF?"

"Ready"

"Band?"

"Ready"

I look at the Chieftain and he nods and as I turn to give our commentator the signal to announce the arrival of the Chieftain on the PA... it happens.

The crowd groans and 10 yards to my right an old fellow collapses clutching his chest.

He is out cold.

"Twirlie down" I say into my radio. "Everyone stay in position while we check it out"

"What the hell is a Twirlie" says a voice in my ear.

"Sorry, old man in a black coat collapsed in front of the stand. Scottish Ambulance Service report to the front of the Grandstand"

I ask the VIPs to stay where they are and head towards the old chap.

It isnt looking good.

The Radio crackles as the Ambulance arrives.

The RAF Ground Team inform me that they have 4 minutes of air space clearance time left and if the RAF Team cannot jump in four minutes, the display is off.

I see a woman near the old man in hysterics.

She is waving her hands in the air and yelling at the top of her voice.

I am really starting to fear the worst when I see this and get there just as the Ambulance pulls up on the other side of the barrier. The two paramedics jump over the barrier and rush to his side.

As I get closer I can see the old fellow's eyes flicker and as he comes round I begin to hear what his daughter is yelling at the top of her voice.

I also see two of my stewards are holding on to her for dear life as she leans over the Paramedics trying to kick the old fellow.

"I told him to have something to eat.

I told him to have something to eat!

Every F***ing time the silly old B******D doesnt have F*****g breakfast this F*****g  happens.... he faints and scares the S**t out of me!

I swear to God I will kill him...........let me at him...."

I grab my radio and give our commentator a thumbs up.

He announces the arrival of the Chieftain who marches out to the saluting base to thunderous applause as I tell the Pipe Band to start marching in and the RAF Ground Crew to get the Display started.

The second the Band were lined up by the side of the Saluting Base, the first parachutist lands in the middle of our field.

60 seconds later our Chieftain took his salute as the Hercules thundered across our field at 100 feet before banking sharply towards Inverness Castle.

As I watch the Ambulance head off for hospital to have the old fellow checked out, the radio crackles.

"What the hell is a twirly?"

I laugh and tell them

A twirly is the knickname given to a Senior Citizen by Bus Drivers in my home city of Newcastle. 

Seniors can travel for free on public transport from 10am in the morning and they are always asking the Driver from 9am onwards......"Am I too early to use my bus pass?"